Total Posts: 388 Member Since: 2011 Location: New Jersey, USA
posted Sunday, July 01, 2012 1:02:42 PM Here's the latest masterpiece straight out of the lab a.k.a. my bedroom. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated.
Lyrics
G Verse 1
Fuck holding back, fuck biting your tongue Say what you wanna say, you won't have to run Cause my actions are speaking much louder than your words So if you were talking shit then I might've not heard
I've been making too many moves, I can't lose You say I'm fronting but that's something that you can't prove So keep huffing and puffing until you're blue in the face But my humble attitude is putting you in your place
So give it up, or keep going Better cover up I see your true color showing Trying to bring me down on some troublesome shit Not me, you gon' have to pick another one kid
Now they're trying to dig me up like a fossil Hatred colossal, why so hostile? Talk shit, I'll still spit it till the mic burns Why the fuck am I concerned? They're just fighting words
G Verse 2
As I, walk away from the dudes that are doubting They all start laughing and one starts shouting "Ayo G time to man up, better put your hands up" I keep moving cause I couldn't give a damn fuck
You look for combat, I'm not on that I'm on this, so stop looking for conflict This is my house, my habitat Have a seat, grab a drink, lay down that battle axe
Why the fuck you always hating? You'll do anything to bring forth an altercation Well good luck, better wear charms Never short sleeve so you know I don't bear arms
So you can catch me with a hook or a right jab But your attack wouldn't even leave slight scab Wave the white flag, I bet you're quite mad You can't fuck with me, it's such a luxury
Partial IP: 9.248.1.50
Sabotaj (Admin)
Total Posts: 457 Member Since: 2011 Location: bumpin some biz doin the mudfoot
posted Sunday, July 01, 2012 1:37:59 PM this was cool. thought you coulda went harder on the second verse though. maybe go more into how ya makin moves don't got no time for the petty shit, or you above violence now but you got goons for that type shit, or do some saul williams shit like on slam when he was in the yard bout to get his ass whupped. just my 2 cents.
Partial IP: 77.1.4.11
coastEL
Total Posts: 2154 Member Since: 2011 Location: Wigger Slam Champ
posted Sunday, July 01, 2012 8:02:47 PM g- i like you, i didnt like this.
if you want my 2, i think you should move on and write deeper.
Partial IP: 73.172.248
-G-
Total Posts: 388 Member Since: 2011 Location: New Jersey, USA
posted Monday, July 02, 2012 10:08:32 AM Sab - Thanks for the input, I appreciate the suggestions. I've never seen Slam though, I'll have to check it out.
coastEL - Thanks for the honest feedback. I know that some of my writing is one-dimensional, it's something I have to work on. I'm not sure if I could just "move on" and start writing deeper. Maybe it's something that will come with time and practice, or maybe I could just sit down and try to force out more meaningful content. Not sure, I'll have to experiment.
Again, thanks to both of you for the feedback. Still looking for some more so any additional comments are appreciated.
Partial IP: 57.159.211
\Saga Sphinx/
Total Posts: 3077 Member Since: 2003 Location: London, England
posted Monday, July 02, 2012 12:19:18 PM Sab..
Jail cell freestyle/beatbox, prison yard spits & the poetry piece in the end are the only bits of that movie (for rhymes) that I like. But fuck it.. I'm JIMMY HWANG. Turn on the AC motherfucker!!
Sorry to go off on 1 -G- .. Ya lyrics were cool. Cant hear the audio (Im at a training event) will peep later.
Partial IP: 153.60.109
Criminal Mindead
Total Posts: 1903 Member Since: 2011 Location: curse my hubris, CURSE IT!!!
posted Monday, July 02, 2012 12:40:44 PM word saga, i feel ya. spoken word and rap parts was the best parts for me too. should peep though g. some good stuff in there. k.i.m.
Partial IP: 46.185.186
Red Rayn
Total Posts: 10329 Member Since: 2001 Location: I'm getting real sick and tired of this shit Ryan. Real fucking sick and tired of it.
posted Monday, July 02, 2012 5:04:43 PM the lyrics are just really, really, really simple
but it's not something i can hate on in any shape or form because i do the same thing from time to time... however it is slowly peeling off of me and i am gradually gaining my old lyricism back. reason why i made it so simple was because it's so much easier to flow on beat. using complex lyricism was difficult for me for a while, but it's slowly getting there, i'm not sure if you're having that same issue, but... once i felt my feedback was positive enough to know that i'm at least decent and didn't suck, i stepped up to the next level.
you make good audio's, tracks bang but you're not really saying anything that really catches my attention. Now you know that you're dope flow wise, step up to the next level
Partial IP: .60.154.48
Red Rayn
Total Posts: 10329 Member Since: 2001 Location: I'm getting real sick and tired of this shit Ryan. Real fucking sick and tired of it.
posted Monday, July 02, 2012 5:07:16 PM like instead of just saying troublesome shit for example, tell us what kind of troublesome shit.. you know? more detail
Partial IP: .60.154.48
the real dick fitswell
Total Posts: 12058 Member Since: 2003 Location: I Reek Of Awesomeness
posted Monday, July 02, 2012 6:46:27 PM practice is practice. can't always be deep. Sometimes we keep it simple. DO your thing...
Partial IP: .88.236.19
-G-
Total Posts: 388 Member Since: 2011 Location: New Jersey, USA
posted Tuesday, July 03, 2012 1:28:06 PM Saga - Thanks, glad you liked the written. Let me know what you think of the audio if you ever get around to checking it out.
Red Rayn - Thanks for the detailed response. I don't think I'm compromising my lyrics to make it easier to construct the flow, as I've never had trouble with matching my words to a beat (as far as I know.) However, your example of "what kind of troublesome shit" was helpful. I can see that my lyrics are lacking detail and that's one thing I definitely need to improve on. Again, I appreciate the valuable feedback.
Dick Fitswell - I agree. One of my primary goals with this track was to deliver the message, so I suppose the simplicity isn't necessarily a bad thing. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Again, big thanks to all who shared their thoughts on this one.
posted Sunday, July 01, 2012 1:02:42 PM 
